by Russell Newton

Reform Yourself Part I – Safe Harbor

The first and foremost aspect about reforming your toxic habits is to realize that you might actually be making people feel unsafe and uncomfortable yourself.

That is a startling realization, but it happens more than we think in daily life. For instance, picture a coworker who doesn’t take criticism very well and you feel the need to walk on eggshells around them. Or consider someone who cannot regulate or manage their own emotions and appears to randomly burst into tears on a consistent basis. Or even someone who judges others and constantly calls them stupid behind their backs. How do you feel being around this kind of energy? It’s not a stretch to say that you’d simply start avoiding these folks.

At the root, people just need to feel like they can be themselves around you, and that they have nothing to fear and no reason to have their guards up. For instance, do people feel like they can be themselves next to a wild bear? No, they will be tense and uncomfortable because there is a sense of unpredictability and imminent danger. People feel like they can be themselves next to a fuzzy white bunny rabbit.

Reform Yourself

One of my best friends never knows when to shut up.

Most of the time I enjoy this about him because he usually has something insightful or hilarious to say. He is forever a source of entertainment because he has no reservations about poking fun at every aspect of himself. He might be the most shameless person I know, and when he’s around, you are sure to be either laughing or grimacing in a good way. His nickname in school was the post office because his mouth always delivered.

He isn’t, however, a great listener. This is showcased even in small instances, like when I want to rant about something inane that happened during my day, such as a driver cutting me off or the market running out of my favorite kind of donuts (maple-glazed) before I could get there.

The only purpose for those rants is to burn off some of my annoyance so it doesn’t affect the rest of my day. It doesn’t take long, and I’m not screaming or pounding the table. Really, all a person has to do to make me feel better is sit there, look pretty, and nod their head. No words are necessary, and I’m just looking for any type of actual understanding, even.

Despite all this, he just has to interject immediately and try to solve the problem or relate to an experience he had that was similar. For example, if I am indeed complaining about the absence of donuts, he’ll immediately ask me what I can do about it and suggest five actions for me to take to find the donuts from either their source or petition the market to fry more in the afternoons. Thanks, I wanted to discover how to become obese.

I appreciate the gesture, but it’s downright annoying when I can’t finish my thought without hearing suggestions that I will never use and barely care about. Sometimes you just want to gripe a little and be heard; you are not actually looking for advice or even a solution.

This is what I would call a toxic habit. He’s not toxic, but his habit of refusing to simply listen can be. It doesn’t quite reach the point where I don’t spend time with him or avoid him, but I do avoid him at certain times because of this. Despite how great a person you might be, you probably have toxic habits that repel people instead of attracting them and really make you an anti-people person.

These habits can be your undoing, because no matter how charming you are or how good of a listener you are, people won’t be able to get over it if you just create negative emotions or associations with your habits.

Indeed, sometimes it’s more important to fix flaws and remove toxicity than to actually do something positive. Would you continue to work a job where you had to get punched in the face before every time you picked up your paycheck? Maybe you might for a short amount of time, thinking that you could withstand the pain and that the overall payoff was worthwhile. But over time, most would simply avoid this job, and the positive benefits of your paycheck would quickly be overshadowed by the pain, especially if other options exist.

And so people will avoid you because the annoyance and frustration will quickly stop being worthwhile and because there are always other people they can engage with instead.

Safe Harbor

The first and foremost aspect about reforming your toxic habits is to realize that you might actually be making people feel unsafe and uncomfortable yourself.

That is a startling realization, but it happens more than we think in daily life. For instance, picture a coworker who doesn’t take criticism very well and you feel the need to walk on eggshells around them. Or consider someone who cannot regulate or manage their own emotions and appears to randomly burst into tears on a consistent basis. Or even someone who judges others and constantly calls them stupid behind their backs. How do you feel being around this kind of energy? It’s not a stretch to say that you’d simply start avoiding these folks.

At the root, people just need to feel like they can be themselves around you, and that they have nothing to fear and no reason to have their guards up. For instance, do people feel like they can be themselves next to a wild bear? No, they will be tense and uncomfortable because there is a sense of unpredictability and imminent danger. People feel like they can be themselves next to a fuzzy white bunny rabbit.

The lowest-hanging fruit for us to reform is to start with feelings of negativity and how you can better cope with them so people can feel that you are predictably safe like the white bunny rabbit.

We all feel negative emotions, but the difference between someone who creates safety and someone who does not is how we deal with these emotions. Whatever the circumstances, if you are outwardly angry, sullen, or irritable, people will avoid you in the fear that they will be your next target. No one seeks out that kind of energy, especially if it happens on a consistent basis. People won’t feel comfortable being themselves around you if you are constantly upset, overly critical, hateful, or volatile.

This isn’t about hiding your emotions, or even faking them, but if our goal is making people feel comfortable around us, you can’t be a ticking time bomb that people won’t feel comfortable around because they don’t know when you will blow up. You have to learn to manage your negative emotions in a way that you can still express yourself but not send people running for shelter. People have to know that whatever happens to you stays with you and you won’t punish others for something they were not involved in.

It begins simply enough—keep your cool whenever negativity occurs. The situation is likely tense enough that you shouldn’t be making it worse by injecting your own emotions into it. Don’t shoot the messenger, and understand that a small bit of negativity can go a long way in how people feel about you.

Don’t take out your negative feelings like anger, jealousy, sullenness, or resentment on others. Feel them and express them, but the difference is that you shouldn’t allow them to affect how you interact with others in any way. You want to minimize the negative emotions you project because your feelings are not anyone else’s problem. If you are in a poor mood, don’t act in a way that puts others into the same mood. This is less of an interpersonal skill than an emotional management skill.

The easiest way to minimize these feelings is to let go of them. Why can two people experience the exact same calamity and yet one recovers quickly and the other is stuck in frustration? It’s an attachment and decision to fixate on an outcome that is not to their liking instead of asking “And now what?” and understanding that the only path is forward. Let go of thoughts that hurt you, because when you think negative thoughts, you can’t help but fixate and you lower your own mood. Focus on what is good in life and what you are grateful for. Everyone faces hardships in life, yet some people are still lovable and a joy to be around when they are at their lowest moments. Obviously, this is a rather large topic that deserves a few books on its own. But for our purposes, just understand that people need to feel safe around you.

In this way, you also create a feeling that others can be safe in expressing their negativity with you, and if we can assume that 50% of the world’s topics are negative by nature, this opens up a whole range of topics and emotions that people can explore with you.

Again, of course bad events will have a negative effect on you. It is naïve to assume that you won’t ever be hurt or disturbed by the bad things that can happen in life. Feel your emotions and express them, but don’t have them affect your interactions or take your emotions out on others.

Negative emotion management makes people feel safe around you and feel confident that you aren’t going to attack. Over time, it makes you predictable in a good way—where people know they can expect only positivity from you and that you are someone they can turn to for support and cheer. Safety and comfort are the first steps to rapport and friendship.