Do you find yourself apologizing when it’s not your fault—constantly, even for things outside your control? Over-apologizing is often rooted in social anxiety, people-pleasing patterns, codependent tendencies, and a fear of conflict. In this video, Patrick King breaks down the psychology behind the apologizing habit, why you default to saying sorry, and practical steps to break it. You’ll learn how this pattern tanks your self-respect and low self-esteem, and how to start setting boundaries without the guilt.

If you’re tired of saying sorry too much and want to break that over apologizing habit, stay tuned! In this video, Patrick King dives into why we apologize so frequently—whether it’s due to people pleasing, low self-esteem, or fear of conflict—and shares insights from psychology on how to stop saying sorry when it’s not your fault. Join us as we explore setting boundaries and building better social skills and communication for a healthier emotional intelligence and stronger self-respect.

Do you find yourself saying sorry a lot, like a lot, a lot?
I used to apologize to inanimate objects.
I once said sorry to a door I walked into.
And, you know, the door didn’t apologize back.
If you’ve ever caught yourself saying sorry to a chair, a receptionist who’s just doing her job, or a stranger for the crime of existing near them, this one’s for you.
Today we’re breaking down why people-pleasers over-apologize and the first real step to finally kicking the habit.
This comes from Patrick King’s chapter on people pleasing and over-apologizing.
King’s whole thing is naming the exact behaviors we don’t realize are sabotaging us socially.
And this one is sneaky because it feels polite.
It feels like good manners.
It is, in fact, the opposite.
Over-apologizing or having an over-apologizing compulsion can have a wide range of causes, but the most common is the need to please others.
Here are a few examples.
You raise your hand in class to ask the teacher a question, but preface it with, sorry, but can I just ask
You apologize to the receptionist for calling to book an appointment.
Sorry to bother you.
I know you’re busy, but it’s as if that’s not precisely what the receptionist’s job is.
The person in front of you in the checkout line is taking a long time.
You smile at the people behind you in the queue.
Sorry this is taking so long.
But why do people over-apologize?
Over-apologizing comes from a complicated mix of low self-esteem, the desire to please others, awkwardness and discomfort, conflict avoidance, anxiety and sometimes a big helping of perfectionism thrown in too.
Sometimes over-apologizing is just a bad habit.
You’ve probably noticed it’s a kind of learned social behavior.
For women especially, apologizing becomes a socialized way to signal submissiveness, compliance, cooperation, and even gratitude.
We may be so used to apologizing that we do it on behalf of others for things that haven’t actually happened or for things that we’re not even in control of.
We may apologize for nothing at all.
For example, sorry, what’s your name?
The core beliefs in forming the need to over apologize are all the same ones we’ve already encountered in one form or another.
I’m responsible for other people or other people’s emotions.
It’s my job to meet people’s needs.
Hence, I need to apologize if I don’t do what I should.
It’s my job to smooth things over and manage social situations.
Conflict is not permitted.
even awkwardness or uncertainty is sometimes too much.
I’m a bad person, and I usually do things wrong, so I better apologize in advance for all the ways I’m about to disappoint everyone.
Apologizing makes people think you’re polite, nice, and likable, saying sorry when you’ve done something wrong is admirable.
But when you over-apologize, you actually dilute this sentiment instead of amplifying it.
You may appear to others as timid, weak, passive and groveling.
The irony is that you may elicit from people the very behavior that you’re most trying to avoid.
Worse still, you’re at a loss for when you genuinely are remorseful and want to make amends.
You have no words left since sorry is completely overused.
Luckily, over-apologizing is a bad habit that’s not too difficult to break once you know you’re doing it.
Here are a few tips.
Tip one, just keep quiet.
Really, you can’t say sorry if you’re not talking.
Pause before you apologize and double check.
Have you really done something that you need to apologize for?
If an apology is in order, it won’t matter if you wait a few moments to deliver it.
If you feel yourself wanting to mutter those two little words, just become aware, bite your tongue and say nothing instead.
Notice then that the world usually tends to carry on as it was without your automatic contrition.
Tip 2.
Show your compassion and kindness just in a different way.
Maybe the knee-jerk reaction to apologize is really a compulsion to show someone that you care and are paying attention to their needs.
Luckily, there are other more effective ways of communicating this message.
Every time you feel the urge to say, I’m sorry, just pause instead and ask yourself what sentiment you’re really trying to express.
Is it perhaps, I realize how you must feel about XYZ, or I’m here for you if you need me?
Sometimes we show our concern for others most when we simply keep quiet and show our willingness to listen.
If someone tells you their dog has just died, for example, resist the impulse to blurt out, I’m sorry, instead ask how they’re handling it, check if they want to talk, or simply be quiet and let them express what they want to express.
This will probably make them feel much better than a knee jerk apology.
Tip three, train a different automatic response.
Sometimes saying, I’m sorry is just a verbal tick or something to say without thinking.
People may be in the habit of using it to announce opinions, even those they are 100% not sorry for.
For example, I’m sorry, but that’s just bad behavior.
Here, the word is merely used as a filler, albeit a pretty useless one.
Instead, try to practice other habitual terms of phrase to replace sorry.
I’m sorry, what did you just say?
Or even just sorry?
Could be, could you please repeat that?
I’m sorry, but I can’t understand putting pineapple on pizza.
Becomes, I think pineapple on pizza is weird.
Sorry, said when people bump into one another or a minor accident happens, can be a simple oops or excuse me and a smile.
Tip 4.
Change Apology into Gratitude If a friend has come to assist and had to endure a traffic jam on the way over, instead of saying, I’m sorry that happened, say, thank you so much for coming to visit, I’m sure that traffic jam wasn’t great.
Sometimes the instinct to blurt out an apology is really a misguided way to express our thankfulness for something someone has done for us.
Make things simple by expressing that gratitude directly.
Instead of saying on your next Zoom meeting, sorry, my voice is all croaky.
I’ve got a horrible cold.
Say, thank you so much for agreeing to a Zoom call instead of having me come in today.
It really helps.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask, what is more valuable to have someone’s contrition and apology or to have their sincerely expressed gratitude?
Tip 5.
Speak plainly.
Softening the way we speak or using hedging language is a way to present things in a gentler, less confronting way.
This is a good skill to have when you’re being kind and diplomatic, but an over-apologizer tends to overuse soft, subservient, or uncertain language.
Sorry, it becomes a big part of diluting everything you say.
Are you the kind of person who prefaces any idea, suggestion, boundary, or claim with an apology?
I’m sorry, but can I just quickly say something?
If it’s all right, I’d like to suggest XYZ maybe.
I don’t know.
Do you think that could work?
Sorry if it doesn’t make sense.
This kind of language is not unlike a timid dog rolling onto its back in a gesture of submissiveness.
The irony is that this language can actually irritate people or invite them to dismiss or ignore what you say.
It’s far better to speak plainly, directly, and with confidence.
I think we should do XYZ.
constantly apologizing every time you voice an opinion, or worse, every time you assert a perfectly reasonable boundary, communicates to others that you’re meek, unsure, and generally undeserving of the thing you’re asking for.
Tip six, reframe your idea of politeness.
Let’s be clear.
People apologize for a reason.
Saying I’m sorry at the right time promotes trust shows others that you are interested in harmonious social engagement and smooths over frictions and misunderstandings.
Politeness does matter.
However, ask yourself honestly if your apology is about being polite or if it’s really about managing your own anxiety and discomfort levels.
You’ll know that it’s more about your own anxiety if you insist on apologizing, even when it isn’t your fault, and even when the other person doesn’t seem to need or want your apology.
Try to think of politeness, manners, and etiquette in a different way.
It isn’t something you do to put yourself at ease and lessen your own anxiety, but rather something you do to lessen the anxiety of others.
To be perfectly honest, effusive, unnecessary, and over-the-top apologies are seldom for the benefit of the people receiving them.
If you want to be polite, learn to manage your own anxieties and take your cues from others.
If you really do feel an apology as warranted, give one, just one sincere apology and then move on, even if you still feel guilty or awkward.
Remember, your feelings are your own to manage.
Don’t put people in the position of feeling that it’s their job to forgive you.
Tip 7.
Imperfect is not wrong.
Try to become mindful of what exactly you’re apologizing about.
If you invite guests over for dinner, then feed them a good meal that properly causes everyone to get food poisoning.
This requires an apology.
But if you invite them, and one of the nine courses you plan for the evening isn’t quite up to Michelin Star standard, then you probably shouldn’t apologize.
Give yourself permission to be imperfect.
We never have to apologize for learning or being beginners.
You shouldn’t have to apologize for being in process or for not knowing something that was not humanly possible to know.
Try to lower the standard.
Ask yourself, is what I’ve done wrong?
Or is it just imperfect because I’m a human being and not a flawless God?
Don’t apologize for imperfect.
Don’t apologize when you’ve genuinely done your best.
Tip 8.
Dissern what’s in your zone of control.
For some people pleasers, over-apologizing can be a symptom of accepting responsibility for things that are generally not under their control, especially the behavior of others.
Have you ever apologized on someone else’s behalf?
This may be a sign that you have codependent tendencies, which means that you tend to wrongly assume responsibility for another person’s life and well-being.
It’s a wonderful thing to be tuned into the needs and emotional realities of other people, but it can go too far if you’ve begun to feel that it’s your job to apologize for the bad behavior of other people or simply for external events that are outside of your control.
If you apologize for a rude relative, for example, pause and really become curious about the core beliefs informing your need to do this.
Why do you feel the need to accept culpability for their behavior as though it were your own?
As you can see, there are a lot of different reasons for sorry syndrome to develop.
So it’s worth understanding exactly why this behavior exists in your world.
It may just be because you’re genuinely kind and care about others and want to be agreeable.
Or it may be because you lack self-esteem and faith in your own judgment.
At the extreme end, chronic over-apologizing can even signal a kind of sorry-for-existing mentality, which points to deeper and more damaging core beliefs.
If you dig deeply, you may find that this behavior has its roots in childhood, where an apology is a kind of coping mechanism designed to avoid conflict, win approval or preempt judgment, and absolve yourself of possible wrongdoing.
Here, compulsive over-apologizing can stem from a deep sense of shame.
If over-apologizing is a big challenge for you, ask yourself the following questions.
When did you first learn to feel guilty for having needs or making honest mistakes?
In the past, what kind of things might you have learned to apologize for?
What are you really trying to say when you say, I’m sorry?
How have you managed conflict in the past?
What would you do differently if you believed that you are a worthy person who is just as important as everyone else?
Okay, just keep quiet.
Sounds almost too simple, right?
But try it for one day.
Every time you feel sorry, climbing up in your throat, stop.
Count to three.
Did I actually do something wrong here?
Half the time the answer is no.
You’re just filling silence with an apology, because silence feels like a problem that needs solving.
It doesn’t.
I’ll be honest, I still catch myself doing this mid-sentence.
Apologizing for asking a totally reasonable question.
The pause is the whole trick.
It’s not about becoming a cold, blunt person overnight.
It’s about giving yourself half a second to check if the apology is even true before it leaves your mouth.
And here’s the thing.
The world doesn’t fall apart when you don’t say sorry for taking up space.
Usually, nobody even notices.
The only person tracking your sorry count is you.
So that’s tip one of eight from Patrick King on breaking the over-apologizing habit.
Just keep quiet and give yourself a second to check if the apology is actually warranted.
We’ve got seven more tips from this chapter, reframing politeness, figuring out what’s actually in your control, training a different automatic response.
And we’ll get into those in upcoming episodes.
If any of this hit a little close to home, you’re not alone.
Grab the full book linked below for the rest of King’s Breakdown.
And if you want more of this from me in long form conversation, that’s over at my main channel.
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See you in the next one.